Beyond His Control Page 12

  She needs this, he told himself. But he knew he was a liar, because he needed it more. Much more.

  Finally, he tore his mouth away from hers.

  Her breathing was ragged, but she began to yank his shirt open without bothering with the buttons, her hands running along his chest and still, still she wasn’t meeting his eyes.

  He didn’t like that. If he was going to make love to her, she was damn well going to know it was him.

  “Look at me,” he said quietly. She ignored him, put a mouth to his nipple and sucked hard. She did the same to the other and he groaned. But he wasn’t about to be deterred.

  This time, she wasn’t taking Justin the high-school boy, or Justin the hero, to bed.

  Tonight, she was going to take Justin the man, and he would make sure that he erased the memory of everyone else but him from her mind.

  “Look at me,” he asked again and her head jerked up. Her eyes met his.

  “Look at me,” he whispered fiercely. “Look at me, dammit.”

  She stared at him, green eyes dark and steady. “I’m looking at you. I see you. I always have.”

  “Good.” He drew her in close and let his mouth come down on hers to take away the fear and the pain, to make her forget everything, if only for a little while.

  Yes, he would take control of the situation.

  But she wasn’t having any of it. Instead, she twined her fingers into his hair, yanking him to her and not so gently, either. He didn’t mind, and he let her tug and push and slide her hot tongue inside his mouth in a way that left both of them breathless. She kissed him, deep and wet, demanding his full, undivided attention.

  When he pulled back, they were both panting.

  “Ava…”

  “Get into bed, Justin. Now.”

  He bucked slightly at the command in her tone, thought about refusing for half a second.

  The problem was, he could never actually refuse Ava anything, at least not for long. Especially not now, when she was giving herself to him and asking him to do the same. So he walked into the bedroom with Ava on his heels, stripping off his clothes as he went.

  He turned to face her and she pushed him, hard, with the heels of her palms against his bare chest. Once, twice, until he sat on the bed and did as she wanted.

  He let Ava use her tongue along his shoulder, his pecs then his nipples. His body jolted as if the hard pebble she rolled between her tongue and teeth was directly attached to his groin.

  “Ava…Ava.” He tightened one hand in her hair while the other palm rubbed the back of her neck.

  It was his turn to close his eyes, to just let go and oh yeah, she was going to take him, ride him, do naughty things with him tonight and her hips. And he was going to come inside of her hot, wet sex over and over, because that’s what they had to hold on to.

  She guided him inside her in one slow grind that had him quickly steadying himself. As she continued to pump back and forth, she kept her eyes open and on his. Letting him know she was fully aware of what she was doing and who she was with.

  The slow, delicious friction built to a fever pitch within minutes as Ava milked him. When her orgasm began, he held on as long as he could, until her eyes widened and her fingers clutched at his shoulders, and then he came, hard and fast.

  They were bathed in each other’s sweat. Ava untangled herself first, and scooted next to him. For a few seconds, she lay there, trying to catch her breath. But he turned to her just in time for her sobs to begin again.

  “It’ll be all right. I’m going to make sure of it,” he told her.

  “I know,” she said softly. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there when the bottom fell out for you.”

  “Right back at you, Ava. Right back at you.”

  “You’re here now, though.”

  “Yes, I’m here.”

  “Has there…been anyone since Gina?”

  “There have been a lot of someones,” he admitted. “None of them special. I wasn’t special to them, either. I made sure of that. It’s hard enough having a relationship, but when women find out that you’re not around much, that you’re going to break dates and miss important stuff…”

  “Seventeen years and my dad made it to three birthdays,” she broke in.

  “He was there when it counted.”

  “My birthday doesn’t count?”

  “Anyone can come through for a birthday or an anniversary. I’ve never understood why people think those dates are so great. To me, it’s the times in between that are the most important.”

  “He wasn’t there then, either.”

  “He was there when you were in the hospital because your appendix burst. And there during that whole summer of your junior year, when we all went camping,” he reminded her.

  “When did you become so logical?”

  “I was always logical. Did the motorcycle and the dancing on the bar fool you?”

  She laughed quietly at the memory. “You were so wild. All kicked out of your fancy boarding school, the brooding bad boy. All the girls wanted you.”

  “All of them?” he asked softly.

  “All of them. I’ll bet all the girls still want you.”

  “I’m not interested in all the girls. I’m not interested in girls at all—just one woman. The same one I’ve been trying to shake from my mind for nine years.” He spoke the words into the darkness, but hoped they reached her just the same.

  “So why didn’t you ever…try?” Her voice sounded far away, as if she was fighting sleep, and fatigue was about to win the battle.

  He answered her anyway. “Fear. Pride. Lots of different reasons. So many times, I almost did. But like I told you before, I didn’t know if it would matter.”

  “It always mattered. I love you, Justin. I always have.”

  She’d already fallen asleep by the time he whispered the same words back to her.

  “SO, WHERE ARE WE?” Leo asked, even as he fought to catch his breath. He wasn’t sure how long they’d lain there, wrapped together, recovering, but he was pretty sure the earth had moved. Twice.

  Callie lifted her head off his chest and rolled partially off his body. “We’re in Ohio. Small town, off the map. It’s a safe house.”

  “Why would you know about safe houses?” he asked. “You’re not in witness protection, are you?”

  “No.” She shook her head quickly, a little too quickly. Then she spoke quickly, as if saying what she had to say fast would somehow make him forget her admission. “I’ve just helped some women relocate. I work with a lot of domestic abuse cases and I don’t normally talk about this stuff with anyone.”

  “I think we can probably trust each other at this point.” He shifted on the bed and winced slightly. Yes, ribs healing was going to take much longer than twenty-four hours. “Were you…I mean…?”

  “No. It was my dad. My mom was the one who caught all the abuse. At least she did until she took me and she ran. I was eight. I thought she was the bravest woman in the world.”

  “She’s probably very proud of you and what you do.” Most of Callie’s work probably broke the law in some respect, which explained her guardedness. It also explained the eclectic collection of skills she’d acquired along the way. She was a woman who knew how to disappear and well.

  “No, she’d be upset with me. Probably rightly so.”

  “Why’s that?”

  “Because I haven’t given myself a chance at anything close to resembling love. She used to say to me, ‘we’ve all given love a second chance, hon. Some of us five or six chances.’” Callie paused. “She died ten years ago.”

  “And now it’s just you.”

  “Just me,” she agreed quietly. “What about you?”

  “I’ve got a sister,” he said shortly.

  “Are you guys close?”

  He shut his eyes for a second, wishing he could give in to the driving need for sleep. “We’re close. She’s a pain in the ass, but we’re close.”

  She laughed, a
nice sound. “Family’s important.”

  “Yes, family’s important,” he repeated, even as he grabbed his cell phone and rang the familiar number three times before hanging up. All’s right on this end, Justin. “The woman who helped us in here…”

  “She won’t say anything to anyone. What would she say anyway? She doesn’t know who you are any more than I do.”

  “It’s better like that. For now.”

  She nodded, as if she didn’t expect it to be better any other way. He promised himself he’d spend at least until dawn trying to make it otherwise.

  15

  JUSTIN SPENT the rest of the night watching the security cameras’ feed and watching Ava sleep, and wishing he could wake her and make love to her all over again. Wishing she wasn’t so upset.He’d breathed her, let his body become a slave to hers all in the space of twenty-four hours. Not to mention the years he’d spent with her and apart from her. There was no way to get out of this cleanly, with any shred of sanity. She’d taken him to the brink of heaven again and again, and now he was supposed to give that up?

  You could take her away from here yourself.

  He’d had enough training, could easily blend in and start over with her in a new town, with a different identity. But that wouldn’t be fair to either of them.

  He was pissed at himself for getting upset with her, more pissed at himself for not thinking this whole plan through, for letting his emotions for Ava override everything.

  In his work, there was no room for uncontrolled emotions. He’d learned that early on, in boot camp, had it reinforced through all of BUD/S training. He’d have to pull it back in order for this mission to succeed.

  And that’s exactly how he needed to start thinking about this—as if it was a mission. Which he would not fail.

  In those final moments of indoc, affectionately known as Hell Week, when the majority of his BUD/S class had rung out, Justin knew that was not an option for him.

  His group was down to four members and shit, they’d been dragging. Archer had a stress fracture in his left shin and Justin remembered his own feet being so battered and bloodied that he never thought he’d walk without pain.

  It didn’t matter in the end. None of it did.

  He pushed past it, through 0300, 0400, 0500 and there it was, the most beautiful thing—sunrise.

  Sunrise, and he was still standing.

  He would not fail at this. He needed this.

  None of the members of his current team were part of that ten-man crew who’d walked up the beach that morning, secured, but not yet SEALs. Still, Justin knew where each and every one of them was.

  Two retired due to injury.

  One retired from active duty but was the master chief of training out in Coronado.

  One was KIA.

  Five were stationed out in Coronado, still active duty with the teams.

  And him. On the teams for the past six years, not counting the thirty or so months of training to get him his Trident pin. Long before that ceremony, he and Gina had fallen apart. One failure balanced by a success. Overall, he felt ahead of the game, and he was going to make sure it stayed that way.

  On the porch, during his hourly surveillance, he’d almost called Cash but thought better of it. He and Ava were on their own until he said differently, and he honestly didn’t want to say anything but stay with me to her.

  He shoved the phone back in his pocket, ignoring all the messages he saw piling up from Cash and Rev and, shit, from his CO and, having successfully avoided the moat Rev had dug on the south side this time, smelled coffee brewing inside the cabin.

  He never expected to see an unmarked car, driven by Karen, pulling up in the early-morning light. He didn’t bother to wait for her to park, didn’t acknowledge her at all. He just slammed and locked the cabin door behind him and called for Ava.

  AT THE SOUND of Justin’s call Ava came running. She’d been dressing after a shower, wondering how to break the news to him. But she had a sinking feeling, judging by the look on his face, that she was too late. “What’s wrong?”

  “The DEA is here.”

  God, she hadn’t expected them so soon. She’d called them from the bedroom yesterday, after she’d run away from him and before she’d seen news of the murder on TV. That only solidified her decision—she couldn’t bring any more of this on anyone else, especially not Justin. “I called them,” she said quietly. “They said they could track the signal here.”

  “Why would you do that?”

  “Susie’s coming back.” Justin whirled around to stare at her. “She’s coming back to officially give her evidence. That was always her plan. She knows how much she’s risking, but she’s doing it anyway.”

  “How is she getting to the city?”

  “I told you, I don’t know anything, Justin. I was going to show up for the grand jury hearing next week and pray.”

  “Is Susie Mercer really an abused woman?”

  “She is. But that’s not the only reason she came to me. The D.A.’s office was investigating her husband’s activities. I didn’t know he was tied in with the O’Rourkes until she told me.”

  “Ava—”

  “Susie didn’t really tell me anything yet. She didn’t want me to become a target, the way she was. But she knows a lot of things—operations…she can topple everything.”

  “And you’re going to be the one who cross-examines her.”

  “Yes.”

  “Is she the D.A.’s only witness?”

  She shook her head. “No. We’ve got others, she’s our best one. Our most compelling one. With her help, the D.A. is planning on taking on the O’Rourkes in a big way.”

  “So Susie is just going to waltz into an open courthouse? Have you thought any of this through?”

  “Yes, I have. That’s why I called the DEA. They said they can get me to the courthouse and watch out for Susie once she arrives. I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you, Justin. I couldn’t tell anyone.”

  “You’re the only one who knows that this woman is coming back?” He ran his hands through his hair in obvious frustration. “Oh, wait, you probably can’t tell me that, either. This is all alleged speculation on my part, right?”

  “Don’t tell me you haven’t been there. I know your entire career’s one big classified mission, just like Leo’s. Just like my dad’s. Don’t you dare come down on me for doing my job.”

  “I have backing when I do my job. Team support. So does your brother. You’ve taken on all of this responsibility yourself and it’s not working out all that well for you.” He shook his head. “I get it. You don’t trust me.”

  She was losing him as surely as she’d lost him all those years ago. But this time, she’d be forced to walk away. “I do trust you. I want you to go find Leo. Please.”

  “That’s why you did this?”

  “I know what I’m asking you to do could get you in more trouble.”

  “Could get me in more trouble?” He gave a short laugh. “What you’re involved in is much more dangerous. And I’m not talking about your A.D.A. job.”

  “I can handle it.”

  “Like you’re handling this?”

  “This case is extreme.”

  “Why is all of this so important to you?” he asked.

  “Martha Crafton’s case changed me. Having to tell her that something she lived, breathed for a year before the trial came up…having to sell her out for the greater good…That pushed me too far over the edge.”

  “How did she handle it?”

  “She didn’t.”

  “Ava, all these women…helping them run, that’s not going to get Martha back.”

  “I want it all to mean something.”

  “It does. As long as it means something to you, it means something. Don’t you get that?” He paused. “You’re not your mother.”

  “I know that. I’ve been avoiding being her for my entire life.”

  “By running from me.”

  “I wasn�
�t running when I was seventeen.”

  His brown eyes stared her down. “You knew I was headed to the navy.”

  “I thought…I could change your mind,” she sobbed. “I thought that, if you loved me, we could make things different together. I should have known better. People don’t change.”

  “No, they don’t. You haven’t. You’re still the same person I fell in love with. Then again, I never wanted to change anything about you.”

  His words hit her like a shot between the eyes. She’d been so busy concentrating on what he did, she’d nearly forgotten who he was. “You think we’re the same people, but we’re not. Things have happened to both of us.”

  But Justin was shaking his head, clearly not believing what she said. “Is that what you tell yourself when you think about calling me?”

  “What do you tell yourself?” she retorted. “Because I’ll tell you, I don’t remember hearing anything at all from you. Not once.”

  “What good would it have done? We would’ve ended up here, in the same place, hopelessly attracted to one another, with you refusing to accept what I do for a living.”

  “Can you blame me?”

  “No, I can’t. But you can sure as hell blame me, can’t you, Ava? Dammit.” He stared at the floor for a second and then back at her, his eyes clear. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”

  “Justin…you were—you are trustworthy and strong. My protector. The problem is, I didn’t want to get used to your protection again. It was the same thing with my father and Leo…I’ve learned to protect myself now.”

  She didn’t bother to point out that she certainly wasn’t protecting herself now. Not physically, and certainly not her heart.

  He didn’t call her on that, though.

  “So, this guy you were engaged to—you were the protector in the relationship? The one who carried the big guns—the balls?” he asked.

  “That’s not funny.”

  “I’m not trying to be funny. In a relationship, you’re supposed to protect each other. It’s not a one-sided deal. At least not all the time.”

  “What do you know about relationships?” she asked, wishing she could take the words back as soon as they came out of her mouth.